oh boy

oh california, although you are a human being that i love all on its’ own, you brought me someone more literal to boast and brag about you as a state. when i think of you, california, which is quite often, i think of rolling waves, the type of waves that make me feel goosebumps and feelings that i have been out of touch with recently. when i think of you, i think of the weather and sunshine that touched me perfectly. the sunshine that touched my skin and made me feel at home and the weather that brought an occasional storm at the perfect time. when i think of you, i think of the happiest time of my life, the kind of happy that is overwhelming and saddening as it can neither be replaced nor found anywhere else on the planet.

when i think of you, i think of him. he was the waves, weather and happiness rolled up into one unmatchable and unsurpassed human being with a perfect smile. i begrudgingly bestow most credit and thanks to a generational sex-app for putting him in my path but i nudge God and give him a head-nod for this one too.

he lived in orange county and i was in San Diego, so how we even found each other still puzzles me to this day (and this is why the God-nudge takes place). we met at a beach that was halfway (but totally closer to him) and to this day, to this very second, i cannot explain why i put in that type of effort and gas in my tank to drive an hour and half to meet someone who seemed so devastatingly average. after an anxious drive on interstate 5, i pulled up to the parking lot of our meeting arrangement, spotted his car, parked next to him with my window rolled down, messy hair, and an excited smile and said, “hey you,” like i had known him for years. that’s how it felt. he had that face, that composure, that contagious vibe of familiarity mixed with mystery and i rolled up my window, took a deep breath and said “oh boy’’ because i knew i was in trouble with this one. once i collected myself, i hopped out of my car, pulled up my high-waisted jeans and climbed into his passenger seat.

my heart was pounding and he was the waves. the waves that made me feel goosebumps and feelings that I had been out of touch with recently. he was waves of attractiveness and sexual tension and i held onto the leather seat to keep myself from making a move too soon.

the afternoon went on and we walked the beach town and got to know each other. i let him speak most of the time. partially because i liked the sound of his voice; nasally and know-it-all but powerful and poetic. partially because he had a lot to say and i don’t think many girls listen enough on the first date.

he was a los angeles boy who loved money and girls with pretty-faces. he was studying finance at a state university and had plans of future business endeavors. he wanted to grow up, get a degree, make a lot of money, get married and have a family. remember when i previously mentioned the flagrant normalcy of this boy on paper; it was now transpiring into real life. however, boredom didn’t set in, i knew he was giving me answers that he thought i desired. he must have been giving me answers that previous girls of the southern-california region before me ate up like low-calorie frozen yogurt.

he started asking me questions about myself, and i gave him everything i had, open-book style. i had nothing to hold back. i wanted him to know me and i wanted him to know that it would be okay for me to really know him too.

i believe that i made him more comfortable because a breach in the superficial surface occurred. he opened up. he spoke highly of his mother, respected his father and even though he could have, he didn’t boast about his money or his home in a gated community, he just told me about his fears and desires, his ex-girlfriends and best friends and it was like we had known each other for years.

my heart was pounding and he was the weather. the weather that touched me in ways i hadn’t yet experienced. he was the weather that brought about simultaneous sunshine and a storm of feelings that i couldn’t find refuge from, i couldn’t help myself. 

he didn’t kiss me on the first date. he was nervous, i know this and although physical distance was between us, we were in constant contact for the next few weeks and every text made me elated, every phone call ended with satisfaction and before i knew it he was headed over to my place and his mouth was on mine and it was intoxicating.

But i moved away and became unattainable and there was nothing i could do to convince him to want me anymore. i was more heartbroken than i allowed myself to show. this boring, average, money-loving, los angeles boy had me but i couldn’t have any part of him anymore.

he wrote me a letter and he was the first boy to ever call me beautiful. he told me i was captivating and that i challenged him and that i was like no other girl he had ever been into. he loved when i spoke my mind and valued what i said. he actually listened when i spoke. he told me that i impacted him and i was going to do amazing things with my life.

with the salutation and signature at the bottom of the letter, i was so into him. completely and entirely. i was also completely and entirely on the other side of the country at this point. accepting the reality and moving on, i went on dates with other men but failure and distaste ensued. we still talked on the phone but with each mobile-minute that passed, i could feel the disconnect and when he began dating her, there was nothing i could do to fortify the connection any longer and the phone call ended. indefinitely.

my heart was pounding and he was the happiness. the happiness that was overwhelming and saddening at the same time because it felt like it could not be replaced or found in anyone else that i saw in the next two years. 

oh california, your waves and weather and happiness are uncontested. i have yet to feel how i do when standing on your coastline. i have not experienced the sensations that you gracefully granted during my time with you. i haven’t met anyone like you. however, i’m okay and i’ve moved on but your temptations and patchy efforts to creep back into my life when i cannot have you are absolutely killing me.



i typed this bit when i was sad…of which, i am no longer.

if it ever becomes legal to marry a state though, i already have my vows written for california. 




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