my shirt is on backwards

and there is a half-eaten bowl of oatmeal and a completely empty bowl of used-to-be-gluten-free-pasta on my floor next to my bed.

and there is a pair of shorts that i threw on the ground because i took them off when i got way too hot last night.

and there is half of an episode of “orange is the new black” that i have to rewind and watch again, because although i do remember watching it with you and telling you all the characters names and backstories and who was my favorite inmate and who was a scumbag and who was and wasn’t lesbian even though you probably didn’t listen to a single word i said, i don’t remember the actual content of the episode.

and there is a feeling of embarrassment coursing through my veins because i saw my roommate last night and he was bringing some girl into his room and i know i walked out there and made an annoying-over-excited-to-see-a-girl-my-age scene and i think i even looked back at my roommate and winked at him and gave him a good ole’ thumbs up as to say, “get em, sport,” or “nice catch.”

and my tiny twin-size bed has always been a spatially-satisfying place of rest, but when you left last night it felt huge and empty and it’s not that i solely crave you in it, but it made me realize how alone i am out here in this huge city. isn’t that weird? there is hardly a correlation between me plus you in my twin-tempurpedic bed and the reality of my current support system, but i found the connection and thought about it for far too long.

and my phone is across the room, near the door, because that’s where it landed when i tossed it out of reach this morning because i didn’t want to text you and i don’t want to text you because i will probably never see you again because you don’t like “unattainable,” but when you told me that, it didn’t phase me. and i’m not saying that “i’m too good for anyone,” or “nobody can attain me,” but i am a flight risk.

and i know that you will read this. hell, you’ve asked me to blog for the past week now. but i’ve been busy and i’ve been exhausted and i’ve been racking my brain about my immediate future and i just want to let you know that no matter what path is paved for me next, it’s cool that you were somewhere along this current path.

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say it to my face, dude. (enter your comment below, i love all forms of feedback)

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